Feeling empty

It's been 94 days since I said good bye to Campy. As my soul dog and constant companion for over 16 years, I continue to struggle with grief, loss and sadness. And on October 10th, we said good bye to our cat Madison, who had been the mediator of our house for the past 15 years. 

Since Campy's passing, I've had three incredible races. I placed 9th at Norseman XTRI and was the first American female. I was the first female at IM 70.3 Louisville and I was the first amateur female at IM Chattanooga. 

It's crazy to think that I could perform so well despite feeling so empty inside. The truth is that I was avoiding the process of grieving. I was so busy and focused that I didn't have time to fully feel or think about my loss. The warm weather, the races, the travel, the triathlon community  - these amazing distractions allowed me to avoid all of the unpleasant emotions and feelings associated with loss. 

Picture source

I came across this picture on Facebook and I instantly felt a connection to it. I showed Karel (who is also struggling with the loss of Campy and Madison) and told him that I wake up every morning and feel like this. There's a big piece of myself missing and I'm struggling to find it. 

I've experienced a lot of loss in my life. Losing my dad to cancer when I was 31 years old was extremely difficult. But losing Campy feels so much harder. However, I know that's not the case. It took me several years to work through the emotions with the loss of my dad. I know it will take time with Campy.

When I said good bye to Campy, I lost my soulmate. For over 16 years, we did everything together. And his last year of life required so much more love, attention and energy. I don't know who I am without him. Campy was apart of me. Loss is such a confusing and hard emotion to understand.

Coping with loss is a journey. Like training for an Ironman or extreme triathlon, it requires work. And although the emotions may be the same, no two people will experience grief in the exact same way. And like sport, grieving can be exhausting. 

I miss Campy so much. Learning how to live without his physical presence has been very difficult. 
Despite the heavy weight that I feel, I'm grateful for triathlon because it is a constant in my life. 

Since IM Chattanooga, I'm giving myself a lot of grace with my "exercise" routine since I don't have any more races this season. And because of the loss of some of my favorite mountain roads and trails due to Hurricane Helene, I'm finding it extremely difficult to plan races for 2025. And combine that with the loss of the summer heat and humidity (which I love), I'm also struggling with motivation to train. But I make myself exercise each day because I know I come back feeling better than when I started. Even if it's only a 30 minute run, I need to get myself outside and moving. I use my friends to keep me accountable to showing up to a swim or group ride. 

Grief hurts but it's an emotion that everyone experiences at some point in life. The only way to fully engage with grief is to open ourselves to it. I've been supressing my emotions for several months and my feelings neeed acknowledgment. That is why I wanted to write this blog. Despite the wins, the international travels and amazing adventures, life has been really hard over the past few months.

And if I only share positive content, I am not showing my true authentic self.

Without knowing that other people are going through (or have gone through) the same intensely painful experiences, irrational thoughts and exhausting emotions, we may never feel a sense of hope that we won't always feel this way. I'm learning that finding similarities between my own grief experiences and the experiences of others is important in the uniqueness of my grief journey. 

I hope this blog post helps anyone who is struggling with loss. 

In loving memory of Campy

Campy “my love, buddy, sunshine” Sumbal
April 2007 – July 18^th, 2024

Campy, our soul dog, passed away peacefully at his home on July 18^th at 12:20pm. Prior to his passing, Campy had the perfect last day. The night before, we slept with Campy on the floor and he had one of his best sleeps in a very long time. When he woke up, Campy took a peaceful walk with Karel while the birds were chirping. He had a homemade breakfast of eggs, cheese and bread. A few hours later, he had his first ever Starbucks Pup Cup and then walked around Furman – enjoying the sunshine and smells. His last meal was his favorite – warm rotisserie chicken. With the compassionate care of Faithful Hearts Vet, Campy had his final breaths in my arms, while receiving kisses and words of love and gratitude from me and Karel.

Campy was found as a stray around 1.5 years of age. A series of events in early October 2008 led us to Petfinder.com in search for a rescue dog. We came across “Sparky” who was being fostered in Amelia Island, Florida and it was an instant connection. The foster parent told me that this was a very special dog, and she was right. It was a few weeks before we got married and we had adopted our first (and only) dog Campy. We bonded instantly with him. He quickly became our life and our new favorite responsibility. We had little money and no experience caring for a dog but Campy quickly showed us that all he needed was love – and an abundance of squeaky plush dog toys.  

I created a very special bond with Campy as I spent a lot of time alone at home, pursuing a dietetic degree while Karel was managing two Trek concept stores. Campy and I spent a tremendous amount of time together. I couldn’t get enough of his big personality, cute smile, golden hair, perfect nose, heart-melting face and long legs. Throughout his lifetime, Campy went with me everywhere. He was a constant source of comfort and companionship. It may sound cliché but he was my best friend. He helped me feel wanted and needed.

Campy showed us unconditional love and always greeted us with the same level of joy - always standing on his hind legs with a wagging tail, always overly excited to see us. He gave us purpose, structure and routine to every day. Every morning, we uncovered Campy from deep within the bed sheets and told him “good morning sunshine, it’s another lottery winning day.” Quickly we learned that we were the ones who won the lottery.

During his 16 years with us, Campy lived in two states – Jacksonville, Florida and Greenville, South Carolina. He lived in 3 different homes before spending his final nine years of life in his dream home – with plenty of windows to provide the perfect sunbeams for napping. We always promised Campy a fenced yard so he could pursue his favorite activities – chasing squirrels, barking at birds, running and sunbathing. In 2015 we finally made that wish come true.

Campy was opinionated and protective of his mommy. But a select few passed his smell test. For those who were let into his tribe he showed his incredibly loving, sweet, happy and funny personality. Campy instantly fell in love with his grandparents and Joey “the cheese lady.” And if you had the talent of a good butt rub or a real-food treat like ham or cheese, there was a better chance of forming a possible friendship with Campy. For those who didn’t make the cut, they got a big bark and sometimes a “love” bite. Campy thought he was an Alpha dog, often showing his confidence and assertiveness around big dogs, but he was a momma's boy and loved being held. For B-man, Ruby, Lady, Milo, Reagan and Pinto, Campy was proud to call these dogs his best friends.  Campy loved cats and truly enjoyed it when we brought in a new kitten or cat. Madison loved Campy because he found her in a bush outside in 2008 and Ella formed a close bond with Campy in his later years, giving her comfort, snuggles and warmth.  

A lover of couches, pillow and blankets, Campy rested hard so he could play hard. Campy collected hundreds of walking miles throughout his life. He absolutely loved going for walks. This grew into a strong love of being outside. He greatly enjoyed marking on every pole, mailbox and tree just to make sure everyone knew that “campy was here.” Campy loved to run, which became a tradition I called “Campy miles” – finishing every workout with at least a mile run with Campy. As soon as he heard the beep of my running watch, he would sprint in excitement until he ran out of energy. He also took part in group runs in Jacksonville, FL. He was stubborn and persistent, always wanting to lead the way, knowing that I would be there to carry him when he got tired. Overtime ‘Campy miles’ turned into jogs and then slow walks, but we continued this tradition throughout his entire life. Campy had an adventurous spirit and enjoyed traveling and discovering new places. Campy loved everything life had to offer – except being in water. The only water he enjoyed was a warm bath, followed by zoomies.   

Campy had a competitive spirit - just like his mom and dad. Campy was first paws across the line at Challenge Knoxville Half Distance in 2015. Currently, Campy continues to hold the record for fastest squeaker removal of a plush dog toy. Many dogs have attempted to break that record but it’s unlikely that record will ever be broken.

If you knew us, you knew Campy. Our bond was strongest when we were at sporting events. Campy traveled with us to many cycling and triathlon events.  He visited 16 states and his most frequently visited places include Panama City Beach and Haines City, Florida, Chattanooga, TN and Lake Placid, NY. If we couldn’t travel with Campy, he was spoiled at home by his grandmas or pet sitters. 

Campy’s favorite holiday was Thanksgiving, he didn’t mind dressing up for Halloween and his favorite season was summer. He loved being warm. Winter was sweater weather. He would spend hours in front of the fireplace. He had a wardrobe of sweaters and a collection of bow ties for special occasions.

Campy and I shared an indescribable bond. He was a constant for me through many ups and downs and through many different chapters of life. He was by my side during my most life-changing moments – when I got married, became a Registered Dietitian, wrote three books and grew my business. He was a great listener and somehow, I felt like he understood how to support me during my most stressful times in life. He was there for us during our greatest struggles, like the passing of our dad’s, Karel's broken hand and the difficult process of Karel obtaining his citizenship. Campy always knew how to make us laugh, smile or stop to appreciate the present moment. Karel loved his little buddy. Campy was the best at unconditional love. Navigating life’s challenges seemed doable because we always had Campy there as our proverbial handrail.

Campy showed us that rescue animals offer the most compassionate and caring type of love. He is the reason why we now have five rescue cats. Over the past few years, we have donated money to various animal shelters and organizations, and we will continue this tradition in honor of Campy.  

Campy excelled at sleeping. It was his absolute favorite hobby. 

Campy had great health for much of his life. He suffered from seizures in 2015 but it was controlled with medication. Campy survived one dog attack which resulted in several stitches, but he was incredibly brave throughout that process. Over the past three years, Campy lost his sight and hearing but that didn’t slow him down. Over the past two years, he braved a hard battle with canine cognitive decline which affected his brain, often making him confused, wobbly and anxious. His brain was slowing him down but his body remained strong. He simply loved living life with us. He thrived with a routine of eating, going on walks and being kissed and held. We are grateful for our vet, Dr. Haueisen for understanding Campy’s quirks and for helping to make his vet appointments as low stress as possible. She took such great care of Campy throughout much of his life, specifically in his senior years when the vet visits became more frequent. We were honored to care for Campy in his golden years. Although he required a lot of attention and energy for his aging needs and struggles, it was our greatest gift to make sure he was comfortable for his entire life.

Campy was preceded in death by Smudla and Felix. He is survived by his beloved furry siblings – Madison, Ella, Sylvi, Asher and Mia - all of whom, truly loved Campy. 

We packed a lot into his 17 years of life, and we never wasted a day. Campy taught us how to live a full life and in the moment. The passing of Campy left us with a broken heart which will never be fully repaired. We didn’t lose a dog, we lost our soul mate – an irreplaceable relationship and our constant source of security, structure, companionship, love, joy and comfort. Our whole world has suddenly changed and we now have to learn how to navigate it without our best friend. 

We are reassured knowing that Campy is now free from his discomfort and he can once again see, hear, bark and run as fast as his little legs can go.  

"Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we didn’t ever know we had."
 – Thom Jones, short story writer

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