Feeling empty

It's been 94 days since I said good bye to Campy. As my soul dog and constant companion for over 16 years, I continue to struggle with grief, loss and sadness. And on October 10th, we said good bye to our cat Madison, who had been the mediator of our house for the past 15 years. 

Since Campy's passing, I've had three incredible races. I placed 9th at Norseman XTRI and was the first American female. I was the first female at IM 70.3 Louisville and I was the first amateur female at IM Chattanooga. 

It's crazy to think that I could perform so well despite feeling so empty inside. The truth is that I was avoiding the process of grieving. I was so busy and focused that I didn't have time to fully feel or think about my loss. The warm weather, the races, the travel, the triathlon community  - these amazing distractions allowed me to avoid all of the unpleasant emotions and feelings associated with loss. 

Picture source

I came across this picture on Facebook and I instantly felt a connection to it. I showed Karel (who is also struggling with the loss of Campy and Madison) and told him that I wake up every morning and feel like this. There's a big piece of myself missing and I'm struggling to find it. 

I've experienced a lot of loss in my life. Losing my dad to cancer when I was 31 years old was extremely difficult. But losing Campy feels so much harder. However, I know that's not the case. It took me several years to work through the emotions with the loss of my dad. I know it will take time with Campy.

When I said good bye to Campy, I lost my soulmate. For over 16 years, we did everything together. And his last year of life required so much more love, attention and energy. I don't know who I am without him. Campy was apart of me. Loss is such a confusing and hard emotion to understand.

Coping with loss is a journey. Like training for an Ironman or extreme triathlon, it requires work. And although the emotions may be the same, no two people will experience grief in the exact same way. And like sport, grieving can be exhausting. 

I miss Campy so much. Learning how to live without his physical presence has been very difficult. 
Despite the heavy weight that I feel, I'm grateful for triathlon because it is a constant in my life. 

Since IM Chattanooga, I'm giving myself a lot of grace with my "exercise" routine since I don't have any more races this season. And because of the loss of some of my favorite mountain roads and trails due to Hurricane Helene, I'm finding it extremely difficult to plan races for 2025. And combine that with the loss of the summer heat and humidity (which I love), I'm also struggling with motivation to train. But I make myself exercise each day because I know I come back feeling better than when I started. Even if it's only a 30 minute run, I need to get myself outside and moving. I use my friends to keep me accountable to showing up to a swim or group ride. 

Grief hurts but it's an emotion that everyone experiences at some point in life. The only way to fully engage with grief is to open ourselves to it. I've been supressing my emotions for several months and my feelings neeed acknowledgment. That is why I wanted to write this blog. Despite the wins, the international travels and amazing adventures, life has been really hard over the past few months.

And if I only share positive content, I am not showing my true authentic self.

Without knowing that other people are going through (or have gone through) the same intensely painful experiences, irrational thoughts and exhausting emotions, we may never feel a sense of hope that we won't always feel this way. I'm learning that finding similarities between my own grief experiences and the experiences of others is important in the uniqueness of my grief journey. 

I hope this blog post helps anyone who is struggling with loss. 

In memory of Madison

9/19/2009 - 10/10/2024

Madison passed away peacefully with the help of Dr. Haueisen at the Pointsett Animal Hospital on October 10th, 2024 around 2:20pm. Madison will now join her best friend Campy, who passed away 87 days ago - exactly 12 weeks to the day. 

Madison battled Feline Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM) for the past 2.5 years. In Feb 2022, Madison received a double lung tap as a last resort to saving her life after a 5-day battle with her failing heart and lungs. Although she surived the procedure, the vet didn't think she would make it more than 6 months. 

With the help of medications, frequent vet visits and a lot of love, Madison proved everyone wrong and lived another 2 years and 8 months. She always had a strong will to live as her number one priority in life was to show us love and compassion. 

The story of Madison.
In the summer of 2009, Madison was found by Campy in the bushes of our apartment complex in Jacksonville Florida. After several months of seeing her outside, she followed me and Campy up three flights of stairs and we officially welcomed her to our family. We don't know the official age of Madison but we think she is between 16.5-17.5years old. Madison was always a lover, not a fighter. From the very first day in our house, she never wanted to be a bother. She was incredibly grateful that she had a home but most of all, a family to call her own. Smudla did not care for Madison but Madison never fought back to Smudlas hisses and "love" taps. Madison constantly tried to be friends with Smudla but instead, she got a best friend in Campy. For all of Madison's 15+ years with us, Campy and Madison had a very special bond. Wherever Campy went, Madison followed. They were inseparable. 

We believe that Madison held on over the past year to make sure that she could help us through the grieving process of losing Campy. Even if her heart was hurting from losing her best friend, we believe she knew that we needed her more than ever before. After Campy passed away on July 18th, it was only two months later when Madison's health started to decline. It was 12 weeks to the day when Campy passed away that we needed to say good bye to Madison. Madison was a fighter and she was so incredibly strong and stubborn. 

Whereas Campy was the glue to our family, Madison was the adhesive tape. She made sure there was also routine, order and no hostility. Madison's goal in life was to give Karel and me unconditional love on a daily basis. When Smudla started to decline due to her kidney failure, Madison was there to watch over Smudla. Madison was so happy to finally take on the roll of caregiver for Smudla. Madison did the same for Campy. 

Madison was our constant companion. Where there was a lap, there was a way on to it. She hated being held but she showed her love by being next to us or on us. As annoying as it was sometimes to have Madison on our lap while working on the computer, it was something that we never took for granted. Not every cat is a lap cat but Madison took her title very seriously. She was very stubborn and no matter how many times we politely scooted her away because we were working, she worked her way back on (or by) our lap. If you received an email from me over the past 10 years, there's a good change Madison was on my lap when I wrote that email. 

Madison wasn't a playful cat. She was very scared of people for most of her life. It wasn't until kitten Ella came along that Madison started to show her bravery around strangers. A few cats later, Madison had no fears. She took her role as "momma Maddy" very seriously. With each new cat, there was a strong hiss to show them who is the boss of the house. Very quickly, Madison was in charge. 

Madison was a creature of habit. She would only eat from her food bowl and would never try to steal food from anyone else. If another cat started to eat her food, Madison would look at us for help as she didn't like confrontation. Madison loved Rotisserie chicken (just like Campy) and she loved fish. For several years, Madison would sleep with us on the corner of our bed (on my side) on her favorite purple blanket (which used to be my dad's when he was battling cancer). When we woke up in the morning, she would be purring by our heads (on a pillow) as a way of guarding us to that the other cats wouldn't wake us up. She always looked after me and Karel. 

Madison loved to drink from the bathroom sink. She learned this from her predecessor Smudla. Every morning as Karel would walk to the downstairs bathroom, Madison would quickly follow him for supervision. She loved this routine - and so did Karel. 

Madison and I would have conversations every day. I would talk to Madison and she would answer in her meows. We would talk for several minutes. She had a strong purr to go along with her soft demeanor. Madison let us welcome in 4 new cats over the past five years.

Ella was the first to come into our family. Although Ella and Madison had a good friendship, as Ella entered her "teenage" year at the age of 2, she had a bit too much energy for senior Madison (~13-14 years old). Madison tolerated Ella and didn't mind the occassional cuddles. 

Sweet Sylvi came into our life in 2020 and he was a great addition to our family. Found by us on the Swamp Rabbit Trail around the age of 12-16 weeks old, Ella finally had a playmate. But Sylvi has a sensitive and loving personality, which was perfect for Madison. 

And then came Asher in 2021. Found on the side of the highway at 2 weeks old, Asher grew into a strong, confident cat with little gratitude for being "rescued." In his mind, he was born in this house and every cat has it this good. Asher's best quality was cleaning Madison. She loved it. Until Asher decided that cleaning time needed to turn into playing time - and Madison had none of it. Despite Asher getting most of the hisses and whacks in the house, Asher created a very strong bond with Madison over the past few months. We can tell he is grieving the loss of Madison as he is hiding, sleeping on her favorite patio blanket and not acting like himself. 

In April 2025, Mia was the last to be rescued. Madison taught Mia the rules of the house very quickly and although it wasn't the smoothest introduction, Madison tolerated Mia for the six months, since she came into our family. Most of all, Madison looked after Campy and Ella to make sure that Mia didn't mess with either of them. I guess Madison assumed Slyvi and Asher could take care of themselves. 

Madison was a great cat. She had the best "aero tuck" and loved folding herself into the most perfect cinnamon roll when she slept. She never tried to escape from our house or try to run away. She lived in 3 different homes with us prior to spending her last nine years in our current home. She loved napping in the patio, especially on a warm day. We let her chew on the grass outside every now and then as it was one of her favorite things to do. Madison loved blankets and loved to be warm. She loved the sun and the fireplace.  

Most of all, Madison loved me and Karel and we loved her so much. 
Losing our two seniors so close to one another is tremendously difficult. Because we are still grieving the loss of Campy, we feel even more empty without Madison. 

Madison was such a strong and resilient cat. She fought so hard to stay with us for as long as she could. Madison beat the odds. From surviving months outside of our apartment as a young cat to fighting her heart/lung/kidney condition as a senior. 

It hurts knowing that we are closing the chapter of our life with Smudla, Campy and Madison. Our first three furry kids. There's no one to remind us of our six years in Jacksonville, Florida and the past nine years in Greenville, SC. 

We will never forget her love and the memories we made over the past 15+ years.  I'm struggling to find the words to accurately describe how special Madison was to us as she was an incredibly loyal, loving and special cat. It also hurts knowing that Madison was our remaining reminder of Campy and now she is gone. Putting together this tribute for Madison was very difficult as it was the first time I looked at pictures of Campy since he passed away in July. Campy was my soul dog and I'm still struggling with his loss and companionship. 

To help ease our pain, we hope that Madison and Campy are restored to good health, are reunited with one another and can finally be together again. 

10 years without my dad

Karel and I had moved from Jacksonville, FL to Greenville, SC. in early May of 2014 and my parents were planning to move from New Port Richey, FL to Greenville in the fall. I remember talking to my dad on the phone the day before he suddenly stopped breathing in the hospital. I told him how much I was loving Greenville, SC. It was memorial weekend and I climbed Cesar's Head for the first time on my tri bike (6 mile climb). I was so excited to tell him what I did. We also went to Lake Jocassee to swim and run and I couldn't wait for him to see the  pictures from our weekend. 

After 10 months of a heroic and challenging fight with a rare cancer, my dad lost his battle. On May 28th, 2014, my dad was taken off life support in a Tampa hospital. The last 24 hours of my dad's life replays in my mind every year on May 28th.

The next few months were incredibly challenging. My life had suddenly changed in the most tragic way. Learning how to live life without my dad seemed nearly impossible. He was no longer a phone call away when I had a question, needed advice or wanted to share exciting news. 

At 31 years old, I never imaged I would have to live the next ten years of my life without my dad. 

Every anniversary since his passing has been a day full of sadness, wishing he was still alive. With the heartache of his passing is remembering the funny, kind, helpful, caring and smart man that was my dad. 

As I think about the last ten years, I am sad for all that he has missed. It's crazy to think how much this world has changed since he passed away. My dad loved electronics and cars - if he could only see what those industries look like today. My dad ran 3 miles everyday. He was very active and loved being outside. I wonder what type of activities he would enjoy if he was living here in Greenville with my mom. 

There have been so many instances when I would think to myself "I wish dad was here."

I wish he could help me with house projects and landscaping ideas. He was so crafty and creative and could fix anything. Everyone who met my dad liked him. My dad was a great man. He had a way of making a difference in the life of others just by being in his presence. 

Grief is a process. When you lose someone that you love, it permanently changes you. 

I feel so grateful and happy in life right now and I also find myself missing my dad more intensely than ever. With every milestone or adventure I feel sad that he is not here to share and enjoy it with me.

When my dad passed away, I was given the most difficult challenge of my life - to live life without my dad. Although my dad may not know it today, his passing taught me how to be brave. I am not afraid to fail. I am not afraid to try new things. I am not afraid to feel vulnerable. I am not afraid to ask for help. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I am not afraid to struggle. I am not afraid to move forward in life, despite the uncertainty. 

My life has changed so much since my dad passed away. With my 42nd birthday approaching in three days, I think back to the past ten years which have been filled with adventure, travel, success, setbacks and first-time experiences. I wish my dad could see the now me but all I have is memories of us together in my first 31 years of life. However, I know that I am who I am today because of my dad my life and because he passed away.

Blogs about my dad: 
Happy Birthday dad (2008)
Living in Greenville, a dream come true
Celebrating more than 32 years of life
One year ago
Finding the right words this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving feels different and that's ok
Miss you dad
Dear Dad
Father's Day tribute to my dad
Dad's 73rd birthday
Dad's 75th birthday
Dad's 76th birthday

When life happens

Life can be extremely difficult, sad and unfair.

On Sunday afternoon, Karel drove three hours (each way) to pick-up our two new family members - Ella and Felix. Just shy of two months old, we couldn't wait to welcome these two beautiful furry ones to their forever home. Although we didn't plan on getting another cat after Smudla passed away in April, we really wanted to rescue these two adorable kittens.

Instantly we feel in love with Ella and Felix. Campy was scared and curious of the kittens and Madison (our 11.5 year old cat) was not very happy. This was my first time having kittens to take care of as both Campy and Madison came to us (as rescues) when they were ~1 year old.

Unfortunately, on Monday morning I received the news that my almost 96-year old Grandpa Joe passed away peacefully in his sleep. Thankfully, I had a Facetime "call" with him on Sunday and I was able to speak with him one last time. Coincidentally, my mom (his daughter) was in town so she was able to spend a lot of time with him before he passed away. Instead of a funeral, my aunt threw a memorial service on Wednesday to celebrate his wonderful life. I flew up to Fort Wayne Indiana on Tues and traveled back home on Thurs morning.

On Monday before I booked my flights, I noticed that Felix had a little cough - I couldn't tell if it was a hairball or a reverse sneeze as he only did it a few times throughout the day. Karel and I Facetimed several times while I was away as he was having so much fun with our entertaining kitties. Karel mentioned that Felix still had his cough so we asked a few friends if we should be concerned. Most mentioned it was nothing concerning but perhaps taking him to the vet would ease our worries.

On Thursday, we noticed that Felix was not eating. He was also breathing a little heavy and he was very lethargic. This worried us so we took him to the ER animal hospital around 9pm. Felix had to be put on Oxygen and they told us he may have the feline herpes virus and to give him antibiotics. Both kittens needed eye drops when they came to us. After we left the ER around 12:15am, we had a very restless night of sleep worrying about Felix. On Friday morning, Karel took Felix and Ella to the vet to get them checked out and the vet wanted to keep Felix all day due to his respiratory issue. He was kept in an Oxygen chamber to help him breath. We skipped our morning swim and managed to gather just enough energy for a very short run (I ran on the treadmill and Karel ran outside). When the vet called around 4pm, we received news that they were very worried about Felix and that we needed to take him back to the ER animal hospital. Ella stayed at the vet all day so that she could keep her buddy company - although she had more fun playing with all the vet techs and running around. We picked up Ella and Felix around 5pm and made our way to the ER animal hospital. They quickly put Felix in an Oxygen chamber and we waited until we saw the vet. The vet was very worried and she suggested that we do x-rays to determine what was going on. We agreed, even though it was risky to do the x-rays due to the stress of everything going on. The X-ray showed extreme fluid around his lungs (Pneumonia). The prognosis was not good but we wanted to give him a chance to fight it. We went home from the ER around 7:30pm and cried and worried about our little Felix.

On Saturday morning, the vet called around 6am and told us that Felix was declining. We then had to make the decision if they should give CPR in the case anything happened and we decided against it as it was just too much for his little body to handle. We had planned a long bike ride (5-6 hours) with friends from out of town on Saturday morning at 8am but it was a struggle to even think about the thought of riding. We mustered the energy to get started, hoping that being around our friends who help clear our mind, but around 2 hours into the ride, Karel and I couldn't focus and we were no longer benefiting from the ride. We just wanted to go home to Ella (my mom was watching her as we were super scared and worried about her as well). After 3.3 hours of riding, we were so relieved to finally be at home. Later that evening, we received the news that Felix did not survive. This was devastating to hear and our life felt like it turned upside down.

After my hip/back issue in early July, scratching my cornea in early August, my Grandpa passing away and now losing Felix, I feel like my positivity tank is running really low. I just can't find the silver lining to this recent loss. What should have been a happy time for us, turned into something so heart-braking. We are sad, confused and upset.

I hesitated to write about this recent sadness on my blog - which serves as an inspirational, motivational and educational place for athletes and fitness enthusiasts - but I feel it's important to show the difficult times as my life is far from perfect.

Grief is a natural response to loss. I know this well from losing my dad to cancer in May of 2014 - just three days shy of my 32nd birthday. The pain of loss can feel overwhelming - especially when it's a loved one or family member. With all kinds of unexpected emotions, grief can easily disrupt your physical health - making it difficult to eat, sleep, think straight or exercise.

For any athlete training for an important competition/event, it's normal to want life to be easy and smooth so that all energy and focus can go toward the preparation of the big event. Many times, athletes try to remove additional stressors in an effort to focus purely on training. However, when life happens - it can be difficult to gather the energy to train, let alone have the motivation or energy to exercise.

Any type of loss can cause grief. Whatever the loss may be for you, you should never feel ashamed that you need time to grieve. Healing happens gradually. We all grieve in different ways. But the important thing is to focus on healthy ways to cope with the pain that you feel when it comes to loss. 

For athletes, you may find it easy to give up on training all together in an effort to grieve. This is ok. You may also choose to pursue your training to help you cope with the loss. This is also ok.
What's not ok is to ignore the pain or keep it from surfacing. As this may lead into unhealthy coping mechanisms such as food, drugs, alcohol or extreme exercise to numb uncomfortable feelings and emotions.

As an athlete, you have likely taught yourself how to be very mentally tough. Feeling sad is a normal reaction to loss - this doesn't mean you are weak. It's ok to show your feelings, write about them or talk to close friends and family. Some people cry and others don't We all have our own ways of showing that we are sad.

Because there is no timetable of grieving, it's understandable that you may have good and bad days. While time may help you find it easier to move on with life, this doesn't mean that you forgot about your loss. Grief triggers many different and unexpected emotions and it can be a roller coaster of ups and downs, highs and lows.

Although we are continuing to train for IM Kona, are expectations are realistic and reasonable for all that we have been through. More so for myself, my training has had so many interruptions this summer, I will just be thankful to get to the start line.

This is life and sometimes life happens. I share this with you to encourage you to always take care of yourself as you grieve. And just because life happens, this doesn't mean that you have to give up on your training or races. Because a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves, you can't push your physical and emotional needs to the side. Although it's been extremely hard, we are trying to maintain our hobby of triathlon. The lifestyle of swim/bike/run does bring us happiness and it's important to continue making time for our own needs. Some workouts have been a struggle to complete and others just didn't get done but we are making the effort to get back to our routine. Again, it's very important not to use alcohol, drugs or food to numb the pain of grief or to give you a temporary mood boost. Face your feelings and express your feelings in a creative way. If grief becomes complicated, you are unable to perform your normal daily activities, feel like life isn't worth living and you begin to find yourself depressed or anxious, contact a grief counselor or professional therapist for help.

While this has been a very difficult time for us, our hearts are being filled with the love and cuteness of our sweet Ella - who also goes by the names of Ella Bella and Monkey. She's topping the scales at 14.5 ounces and she looks up to her older sister Madison and big bro Campy.