10 years without my dad

Karel and I had moved from Jacksonville, FL to Greenville, SC. in early May of 2014 and my parents were planning to move from New Port Richey, FL to Greenville in the fall. I remember talking to my dad on the phone the day before he suddenly stopped breathing in the hospital. I told him how much I was loving Greenville, SC. It was memorial weekend and I climbed Cesar's Head for the first time on my tri bike (6 mile climb). I was so excited to tell him what I did. We also went to Lake Jocassee to swim and run and I couldn't wait for him to see the  pictures from our weekend. 

After 10 months of a heroic and challenging fight with a rare cancer, my dad lost his battle. On May 28th, 2014, my dad was taken off life support in a Tampa hospital. The last 24 hours of my dad's life replays in my mind every year on May 28th.

The next few months were incredibly challenging. My life had suddenly changed in the most tragic way. Learning how to live life without my dad seemed nearly impossible. He was no longer a phone call away when I had a question, needed advice or wanted to share exciting news. 

At 31 years old, I never imaged I would have to live the next ten years of my life without my dad. 

Every anniversary since his passing has been a day full of sadness, wishing he was still alive. With the heartache of his passing is remembering the funny, kind, helpful, caring and smart man that was my dad. 

As I think about the last ten years, I am sad for all that he has missed. It's crazy to think how much this world has changed since he passed away. My dad loved electronics and cars - if he could only see what those industries look like today. My dad ran 3 miles everyday. He was very active and loved being outside. I wonder what type of activities he would enjoy if he was living here in Greenville with my mom. 

There have been so many instances when I would think to myself "I wish dad was here."

I wish he could help me with house projects and landscaping ideas. He was so crafty and creative and could fix anything. Everyone who met my dad liked him. My dad was a great man. He had a way of making a difference in the life of others just by being in his presence. 

Grief is a process. When you lose someone that you love, it permanently changes you. 

I feel so grateful and happy in life right now and I also find myself missing my dad more intensely than ever. With every milestone or adventure I feel sad that he is not here to share and enjoy it with me.

When my dad passed away, I was given the most difficult challenge of my life - to live life without my dad. Although my dad may not know it today, his passing taught me how to be brave. I am not afraid to fail. I am not afraid to try new things. I am not afraid to feel vulnerable. I am not afraid to ask for help. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I am not afraid to struggle. I am not afraid to move forward in life, despite the uncertainty. 

My life has changed so much since my dad passed away. With my 42nd birthday approaching in three days, I think back to the past ten years which have been filled with adventure, travel, success, setbacks and first-time experiences. I wish my dad could see the now me but all I have is memories of us together in my first 31 years of life. However, I know that I am who I am today because of my dad my life and because he passed away.

Blogs about my dad: 
Happy Birthday dad (2008)
Living in Greenville, a dream come true
Celebrating more than 32 years of life
One year ago
Finding the right words this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving feels different and that's ok
Miss you dad
Dear Dad
Father's Day tribute to my dad
Dad's 73rd birthday
Dad's 75th birthday
Dad's 76th birthday

Happy 76th birthday dad

 

This picture fills me with a lot of emotions. First off, Campy is just over a year old. Look at the golden pup! Secondly, my dad - so positive and a lover of life - was only five years away from being diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer - which sadly ended his life 10 months later. 

It makes me so happy that Campy is still here. At 15 years old, he is 76 in human years - which is what my dad would have been today. But I'm sad that my dad didn't get to experience life after the age of 67.

What would you do if you only had five years left to live? I often think about this. My dad was waiting for retirement to travel with my mom. He was just a year away from making that decision. While he loved his job as a VA optometrist, he also had a lot of other hobbies - running, working in the yard, fixing things, making things, listening to music, collecting stamps, taking pictures, and so much more. I wonder if my dad knew that he didn't have a lot of years left, if he would have done things differently. 

Five years is an interesting length of time because it's still long enough to accomplish a lot but short enough that it feels like there is an urgent timeline. 

When my dad passed away, I realized that I didn't want to wait to live life. Though I grieve every day and I miss my dad tremendously, he helped me recognize that I needed to change the way I do things and think about life. It made me realize what's important in life and to chase the things that bring me joy. 

Happy Birthday dad. Thank you for teaching me to live for the present. 

Happy 75th Birthday Dad

 

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 75 years old. 
I can't believe that I've lived the last 8 years without my dad in my life. I really don't know how I've made it this long as my dad was such an important person in my life. It also makes me sad that I don't have any pictures with my dad after the age of 31. It's just not fair. 

I often wonder what he would think about my current lifestyle, my career and all the bikes we've accumulated over the past few years. I wonder what he would think about Greenville, SC. We had only been living here for a few weeks before he passed away after a 10-month fight with cancer. I wonder which one of our four cats would be his favorite :) 

It's been a tough day today. I really miss him. I miss his advice, his stories and how proud he was of my accomplishments. 

During my long run this morning, I couldn't help but think about my dad and what his passing taught me about life. I know that his death really changed how I wanted to live my life. 

Take good care of yourself 
My dad was never sick, he was at a very healthy and lean body weight and he ran 3 miles every single day for decades. When my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, he asked for my advice on how he could eat better. As a medical professional himself, he had knowledge of healthy eating but he didn't feel that it was needed to make changes in his diet as he was the epitome of good health. Although healthy eating doesn't guarantee a life free of disease, it can help with better quality of life. And the definition of healthy eating looks different for everyone. For many people, until there is a major health setback, it's normal to reset making meaningful changes for health. This doesn't include nutritious eating but also better sleep, stress management, reducing alcohol consumption, setting boundaries (learning to say no) and making "me" time. Don't wait until a major medical problem or a brush with death to take good care of yourself and to make changes to your lifestyle. If you are wanting to do something about your unhealthy habits or just desire to make a change, here are a few tips: 

• Write down what changes you'd like to make and then pick only 1-2 of them to focus on to start. 
• Consider the struggles/traps that you may experience and how you will overcome them. 
• Consider working with a professional for support. 
• Share your changes with your close friends and family - people who will encourage you instead of undermine you. 
• Recognize that change doesn't happen overnight. There will be setbacks and struggles. 
• Track your progress and continually address what's working and what needs tweaking. 

Don't wait to live your life
My mom and dad had a lot of exciting travel plans after he retired. Sadly, he never made it to that day.  My dad loved his job. He worked for the VA as an optometrist for over 30 years. My dad taught me the value of getting a good education and working hard for it. I spent over 10 years pursuing three degrees - from undergrad to graduate school to becoming a registered dietitian. I love my "job(s)" but it was a lot of hard work, time, money and struggles to get to where I am today. I see a lot of people hating their job. They are miserable and stressed every day of the week, year after year. I'm not coming from a place that money is everything but don't let your one chance at life slip on by for a job that makes you unhappy (and perhaps unhealthy). 
Karel had to work incredibly hard to make it in the USA. He came here with a backpack and gave up cycling at the age of 20 to work 3 very hard working labor intensive jobs a day. He was not living. He was barely surviving. But it's what he had to do to "make it." 
Take an inventory of your life - how is your job affecting your physical and mental health, your sleep and your relationships? Like Karel, you may have to endure a stressful situation for a few years to become financially stable but there needs to be a finish line in sight. It's very difficult to enjoy life when you are under constant stress and pressure. 
I'm not saying that you need to quit your job and life will never be stress-free but the situation with my dad taught me to never waste a day. Maybe there's another job out there where you don't make as much money as you do now but you can spend more time with your family, your mental and physical health is better and you can spend more time doing things that make you happy. The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't wait until you are retired to enjoy life. Enjoy life now, you only get one chance at it. If you are feeling like life is slipping by and you are not enjoying life because of your job, here are a few suggestions: 

• Consider a different work environment. You may love what you do for a career but the corporate culture that you are in isn't beneficial for your mental and physical health. 
• Consider a different position within the same company. 
• Change your career. Go back to school, get a different job, start a small business. Like many things in life, sometimes your career may not be the right fit anymore. 
• Communicate with your boss. Learn to set boundaries so that you are not taken advantage of by others. 
• Use your vacation days. Everyone needs to reset the mind and body. 
• Save money and be wise when you spend. Working less or changing a job for less money may be more achievable than you think. 
• Consider moving to a more affordable city/state. You may be able to do the same job in a different location but the cost of living is much less (which means it's much easier to live without needing to work as hard). 
• Don't forget that your health, family and a low stress environment are all needed for a happy, quality filled life. 

Miss you Dad

 

For the past seven years, Father's day has been hard for me. This year is no different. But then again, today is no harder than any other day. After losing my dad to cancer, every day is Father's Day - I think about and miss my dad every single day. 

At first I wasn't going to write a Father's Day post. Acknowledging this day and not being able to show my dad how much I love him, makes today very hard. 

Today is not my first Father's Day without my dad. Since the age of 32, I've had to remember my dad instead of being with my dad. But I know I'm not alone. Others are missing their dad and Father's Day without a father is just plain hard.

I have so many wonderful memories with my dad. At swim meets, running events and triathlon races to academic accomplishments like graduating from college, earning a Master's degree and becoming a Registered Dietitian. And then there are milestones like starting my own business, getting married, adding a dog to our furry family and moving. He was always just a phone call away and I took advantage of that by calling him at least two or three times a day - every single day. He was patient, smart, kind, funny and handy. 

While I cherish those moments with my dad and I'm thankful for the person that I was able to call dad for 32 years, it hasn't been easy.  Beyond buying our first home, writing three books, adding more furry members to our family, trying to navigate through difficult life circumstances and experiencing personal and athletic accomplishments, it's the big things, little things and everything in between that makes me really miss my dad on Father's Day. I successfully reached adulthood but I still need my dad. It's all those moments and experiences that are the hardest.

I miss my dad every day. This Father's Day is no different. The grief is hard because my love for my dad was so strong. But my dad lived every day to the fullest and never wasted a day. I continue to do the same and know that my dad is still with me, every single day. 

If you are missing your dad (or father figure) today - especially if it's your first Father's Day without him - please know that you are not alone. Although grief is painful, love and comfort comes with loss. 

It can be hard to find the right words to describe how grateful you are to have had such a great relationship with your dad. Grief can be complicated. But your feelings and emotions are valid. It's ok to "feel" how you feel. 

But today, I choose to celebrate what I had with my dad, instead of being sad over what I no longer have. I had 32 incredible years with the best dad on this Earth. 

Dear Dad

Dear dad,

It's been six years since I last saw you, spoke to you, touched your hand and hugged you. Six years ago I had to say good-bye to you. The time we had together wasn't nearly enough. I only got to spend 32 years of my life with you as my dad. There are still so many questions that I need answers to and you are no longer just a phone call away.

I miss your words of wisdom. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your knowledge of everything. Not a day goes by when I don't think about what life would be like if you survived your 10-month fight with cancer.

When I find myself in a situation or scenario that leaves me confused, concerned or worried, I imagine what you would say or do if you were still here. I wish you were here to share in the happy moments and to help me through my struggles.

You left this world with so many great memories and you left people with a lot of great memories of you. You liked people and people liked you. You made people laugh. You always smiled. You were active and fit. You told the best stories. You always had time for others and you helped whoever you could with whatever you had. Thank you dad for your love. Thank you for being a kind, hard working human being who encouraged me to be the best person I can be and do the best I can in everything I wish to achieve. 

They say grief gets easier to bear as time goes by but I still miss you tremendously after all these years. I didn't know how big of a hole your passing would leave or how much loneliness I was about to experience. There's a lot of you in me, dad. You were my tower of strength. You gave me the best gift anyone could give another person - you were always there to support me. 

Thank you for the patience, love, guidance and understanding that you showed me in accepting me as I was. Thank you for being the best possible role model I could have hoped for in a dad. Thank you for supporting me in my every ambition and helping me through stressful times. You always taught me to never give up. Although life has been difficult without you, I promise I won't give up. You were the one who helped me to become the strong, hard working and passionate woman I am today.

Thank you for your constant love and support for the first 32 years of my life. I will continue to make you proud as you watch over me from above. 

Love, 

your daughter Marni

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Here's the tribute I wrote to my dad on the first year after his passing.
1 year ago.

Happy 73rd Birthday Dad!

Dear dad,

Happy Birthday! Wow - I can't believe you would be 73 years old today.

I can't help but remember all the times I used to forget your birthday (until mom would call me to remind me). I was quick to make you a last minute gift but I never rushed to find you the perfect birthday card to reflect your love of tools, cars, carpentry and electronics.

It's been nearly six years since you lost your 10-month fight with cancer and each year since, I've kept note of your birthday so that I will never forget it. Although a day doesn't go by that I don't think about you and wish you were still here, your birthday makes me miss you a lot more than usual.

Over the past six years, I've missed sharing my accomplishments with you. You were always my biggest fan and supporter. Can you believe I wrote three books! You always told me that I would be an author one day. You always believed in me. I still remember all the times in high school, college, graduate school and beyond - you were the best proofreader for my articles, homework assignments and papers. 

While I know you would be so proud of my athletic, career, business and personal accomplishments (probably bragging to your veteran patients at the VA as you always did), I have really missed your guidance, words of wisdom, positivity and optimism and answers to all my questions.  At times, it's been really hard to navigate life without you. 

You were always a phone call away - and sometimes I'd call you two or three times a day just to say hi. Sometimes I'd have nothing to talk about but I always enjoyed hearing from you. 

And now more than ever before, I wish you were here in my life to help me sort through all my thoughts and emotions. While I am doing just fine, life was always easier with you in it. 

You were always there for me. You knew what I needed and could always make me laugh and smile. You always had a smile on your face and never complained. I don't think you ever had a bad day.

I remember you always telling me that it's not about how long you live but how you live your life. I am keeping with your motto and making the most of every day and seeing the best in every opportunity. 

Like you, I love being outside, physical activity and animals and I try to see the good in every situation. Although some days are harder than others, I want to be like you - always waking up excited for another day of life. Every. Single. Day. 

Thank you for the lessons you taught me and the memories you gave me. You were always the best storyteller.  

Although you are no longer here with me, you are still a big part of my life. I think of you often and will often say "dad would love this."

Everytime I travel, you are there with me making sure I don't get lost and that I am safe. When I race, I can hear you cheering from above. And when I am sad, stressed, anxious or worried, you somehow help me find a way to get through even the toughest situations. Nothing has been as hard as losing you so in some ways, I feel like you have prepared me for the rest of my life. 

Life is going on without you and I am committed to making the most of it. No matter what's going on in the world, I am constantly reminded of your zest for life. 

You taught me the importance of being kind and patient, as well as the importance of giving back and helping others. You were such a great mentor, role model and leader - often called the nicest person ever. If I can live up to half of your incredible reputation, I'd consider myself lucky. 

Like you, I'll keep smiling, laughing and loving life. You could always see the good in every situation.

I'll continue to take pictures wherever I go. Like you, I can't help but smile when I see a camera. 

I was so lucky to have you as my father for almost 32 years. You gave me so much to remember in those 32 years. 

Although your life was cut short from something out of your control, you showed tremendous strength, courage, optimism, humor and positivity. 

I feel so lucky to call you my dad. You were always my biggest supporter, best friend and inspiration. I loved living life with you in it. 

You always encouraged me to chase my dreams - no matter how crazy or big. I am thankful for all the things you prepared me for in life.

I can never thank you enough for being an amazing example of an amazing human being in my life.

Happy birthday dad. I am so proud to be your daughter. I hope you enjoy a bowl of pasta with meatballs and a big slice of chocolate cake (your favorite). Yes dad, even though I'm a dietitian - I approve of your birthday meal. 

Love, Marn