10 years without my dad

Karel and I had moved from Jacksonville, FL to Greenville, SC. in early May of 2014 and my parents were planning to move from New Port Richey, FL to Greenville in the fall. I remember talking to my dad on the phone the day before he suddenly stopped breathing in the hospital. I told him how much I was loving Greenville, SC. It was memorial weekend and I climbed Cesar's Head for the first time on my tri bike (6 mile climb). I was so excited to tell him what I did. We also went to Lake Jocassee to swim and run and I couldn't wait for him to see the  pictures from our weekend. 

After 10 months of a heroic and challenging fight with a rare cancer, my dad lost his battle. On May 28th, 2014, my dad was taken off life support in a Tampa hospital. The last 24 hours of my dad's life replays in my mind every year on May 28th.

The next few months were incredibly challenging. My life had suddenly changed in the most tragic way. Learning how to live life without my dad seemed nearly impossible. He was no longer a phone call away when I had a question, needed advice or wanted to share exciting news. 

At 31 years old, I never imaged I would have to live the next ten years of my life without my dad. 

Every anniversary since his passing has been a day full of sadness, wishing he was still alive. With the heartache of his passing is remembering the funny, kind, helpful, caring and smart man that was my dad. 

As I think about the last ten years, I am sad for all that he has missed. It's crazy to think how much this world has changed since he passed away. My dad loved electronics and cars - if he could only see what those industries look like today. My dad ran 3 miles everyday. He was very active and loved being outside. I wonder what type of activities he would enjoy if he was living here in Greenville with my mom. 

There have been so many instances when I would think to myself "I wish dad was here."

I wish he could help me with house projects and landscaping ideas. He was so crafty and creative and could fix anything. Everyone who met my dad liked him. My dad was a great man. He had a way of making a difference in the life of others just by being in his presence. 

Grief is a process. When you lose someone that you love, it permanently changes you. 

I feel so grateful and happy in life right now and I also find myself missing my dad more intensely than ever. With every milestone or adventure I feel sad that he is not here to share and enjoy it with me.

When my dad passed away, I was given the most difficult challenge of my life - to live life without my dad. Although my dad may not know it today, his passing taught me how to be brave. I am not afraid to fail. I am not afraid to try new things. I am not afraid to feel vulnerable. I am not afraid to ask for help. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I am not afraid to struggle. I am not afraid to move forward in life, despite the uncertainty. 

My life has changed so much since my dad passed away. With my 42nd birthday approaching in three days, I think back to the past ten years which have been filled with adventure, travel, success, setbacks and first-time experiences. I wish my dad could see the now me but all I have is memories of us together in my first 31 years of life. However, I know that I am who I am today because of my dad my life and because he passed away.

Blogs about my dad: 
Happy Birthday dad (2008)
Living in Greenville, a dream come true
Celebrating more than 32 years of life
One year ago
Finding the right words this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving feels different and that's ok
Miss you dad
Dear Dad
Father's Day tribute to my dad
Dad's 73rd birthday
Dad's 75th birthday
Dad's 76th birthday

Miss you Dad

 

For the past seven years, Father's day has been hard for me. This year is no different. But then again, today is no harder than any other day. After losing my dad to cancer, every day is Father's Day - I think about and miss my dad every single day. 

At first I wasn't going to write a Father's Day post. Acknowledging this day and not being able to show my dad how much I love him, makes today very hard. 

Today is not my first Father's Day without my dad. Since the age of 32, I've had to remember my dad instead of being with my dad. But I know I'm not alone. Others are missing their dad and Father's Day without a father is just plain hard.

I have so many wonderful memories with my dad. At swim meets, running events and triathlon races to academic accomplishments like graduating from college, earning a Master's degree and becoming a Registered Dietitian. And then there are milestones like starting my own business, getting married, adding a dog to our furry family and moving. He was always just a phone call away and I took advantage of that by calling him at least two or three times a day - every single day. He was patient, smart, kind, funny and handy. 

While I cherish those moments with my dad and I'm thankful for the person that I was able to call dad for 32 years, it hasn't been easy.  Beyond buying our first home, writing three books, adding more furry members to our family, trying to navigate through difficult life circumstances and experiencing personal and athletic accomplishments, it's the big things, little things and everything in between that makes me really miss my dad on Father's Day. I successfully reached adulthood but I still need my dad. It's all those moments and experiences that are the hardest.

I miss my dad every day. This Father's Day is no different. The grief is hard because my love for my dad was so strong. But my dad lived every day to the fullest and never wasted a day. I continue to do the same and know that my dad is still with me, every single day. 

If you are missing your dad (or father figure) today - especially if it's your first Father's Day without him - please know that you are not alone. Although grief is painful, love and comfort comes with loss. 

It can be hard to find the right words to describe how grateful you are to have had such a great relationship with your dad. Grief can be complicated. But your feelings and emotions are valid. It's ok to "feel" how you feel. 

But today, I choose to celebrate what I had with my dad, instead of being sad over what I no longer have. I had 32 incredible years with the best dad on this Earth.